Frequently Answered Questions

Q: Do these products really work?

A: They appear to work in actual practice, but have not been proven to work in theory.

Q: The idea of healing with energy, frequency, vibration, sound, and color all sound fascinating, but do you believe they really work?

A: No.

Q: Well, if you don’t believe they work why do you spend time researching and studying them?

A: Because they seem to work whether you believe it or not.

Q: What is the best way for me to heal myself?

A: Become a FUNdamentalist, invoke your farce-field and open your crown chakra. Remember, God loves you, she’s just not ready to make a commitment yet. The answers are already within us. The tricky part is matching them with the corresponding questions.

Q: Do you think that health problems can be solved with technology or are natural methods better?

A: There are positives and negatives to both. For example, when NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and twelve billion dollars in research developing the Fisher Space Pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Q: Does the medical establishment recognize humor as a healing tool?

A: No. In the current medical protocol, laughter is frowned upon. I believe that frowning should be laughed upon. Lack of humor is no laughing matter. A real good laugh several times a day has a profound effect on the human digestive system. Make no mistake, I take humor very seriously. I also take seriousness very humorously. Also, if you are suffering from irregular hilarity, I highly recommend a good “sillium” supplement as a daily laughsative.

Q: How can I lose weight?

A: In a recent article for the Journal of the American Medical Association, Dr. William Fry of Stanford University, a well-known gelotologist, noted that “besides increasing heart rate and hormone production, laughter also improves muscle tone and circulation. Indeed, a good laugh is a kind of workout, he says.” I believe that this statement by Dr. Fry confirms that it is possible to laugh your ass off.

Q: What is the real key to health?

A: I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is – there is no real key to health. The good news is – it was left unlocked.

Q: Is it O.K. for me to drink diet soda containing aspartame?

A: Yes, Certainly. There are even a number of useful advantages to this hideous substance. You can hide your own Easter eggs. You are always meeting new people, and you never have to watch reruns on television. P.S. You might want to pick up one of those little sonic key finding gizmos from Sharper Image. This will become a necessity as time goes on.

Q: Are there really vast conspiracies to keep alternative healing modalities from us?

A: I think so, but the best way to illuminate the darkness is to make light of it. Life is a sitcom, so just sit calm and enjoy it.

Q: Are there any differences between a Doctor and God?

A: Yes. God doesn’t think he’s a doctor.

Q: How can I increase my lifespan?

A: We who laugh, last. Joy is the jackpot in life, and if you still believe Jack is the jackpot, you don’t know jack about joy.

Q: Do you think the world is getting really crazy or is it just me?

A: It’s obvious things are getting very strange when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’. Need I say more?

Q: I heard that cutting down on fat and drinking a little red wine is good for you. Is this true?

A: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like … it’s speaking English that kills you.

Q: Can you please explain to me how the practice of ‘Natural Medicine’, which has been around for over 3000 years, is now called “ALTERNATIVE”, while the practice of ‘Allopathic Medicine’, which has existed for less than a century, is officially referred to as “TRADITIONAL”?

A: No.

Q: I can’t decide what to buy.

A: That is a common problem. Studies show that 65% of the population is confused, the other 35% aren’t sure.

Q: I’m not sure of all this alternative technology. What will my family, friends, and other people think?

A: If you are worried about what other people will think, I’ve got really good news for you. Most people don’t think.

Q: Are there different protocols and instrument settings for men and women?

A: Yes. Please refer to the following:

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On Issues Of Safety

If you look hard enough you will find serious-sounding people who will tell you that even water is dangerous. Well, maybe it should be controlled. It is a near perfect biological solvent for dispersing toxins throughout your body. Water causes cells to swell and maybe even burst. Millions of people have drowned in the liquid – either accidentally or through homicide – as compared to the paltry few who have died because of lack of it.

In its most natural state (as found in unguarded oceans) freely drinking it can kill within a day. In its refined state water is deceptively refreshing, but it is a bane for the unwary and the ignorant as it contains no redeeming vitamins or minerals and will even leach them from your body.

Lastly, every known alcoholic started off drinking water as a child. Those who drink water and are not yet alcoholics, it is only a matter of time. Any scientist can tell you that all water drinkers will die of water abuse and alcoholism unless something else mercifully kills them first. Access to water should be limited to licensed and trained farmers, physicians, and the military.

Vincent Gammill

Author: Life Enthusiast